he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
