You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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