I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
