I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
