My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
