Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
