That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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