i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
