He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
