I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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