if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
