Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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