I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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