I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
