I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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