I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
