I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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