just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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