I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
