so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
being pregnant is like rehab
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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