Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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