can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
