how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
