...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
