Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I look better un-naked...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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