I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
