omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They have beer where we have blood.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
