I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize