whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
