Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
