i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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