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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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