the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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