My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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