There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
