I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize