my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
