I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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