Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
