mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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