I need help removing her.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
