I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
