My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
