Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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