Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
