I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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