I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
