You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
