I think I won the penis lottery.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
