so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
