if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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