bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
