I wannas sexs uuuuu
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize