I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
