I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
