I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
