Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
