I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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