I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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