im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
